How to Cope With a Possible Child Custody Dispute

How to Cope With a Possible Child Custody Dispute

Raymond Havlicek, PhD, ABPP, FAACP

The key to effective management of a possible child custody dispute is to attempt to find an attorney who specializes in working toward the least adversarial resolution of a child custody dispute. Avoiding a battle from the beginning by focusing upon a “collaborative” approach,” may result in a highly cost effective outcome, particularly taking into account the emotional and financial toll of custody litigation, not to mention the long lasting impact of litigation on the ability of former spouses to work effectively for the long term.

A collaborative approach will mostly likely seek to identify areas of agreement between you and your separated spouse. Areas remaining in dispute may be addressed through the use of a psychologist who could evaluate the family and make “best interests of the children” recommendations to the parties in the hope that the parties will expand areas of agreement by taking into account the recommendations of a neutral expert.

Avoiding adversarial combat in child custody disputes is essential to enhancing the prospects for an outcome that is ultimately in the best interests of the children. Research and professional experience demonstrate that conflict is far more harmful to children than anything else. Realizing this might cause you and your separated spouse to seriously consider civil cooperation to achieve an agreement. Adversarial interactions may bring out the worst in the situation and create greater harm to the children, even though you may believe your convictions regarding the children’s best interests are “right.” There is frequently something to loose even when you think you may “win.”

Separated spouses entering into a “collaborative” process will probably do better, all things taken into consideration, if they agree to not litigate while involved in the process of collaborating. Agreeing to avoid litigation will place greater emphasis upon achieving a negotiated settlement, which will probably cause both you and your separated spouse to more civilly cooperate with each other to implement an agreed upon parenting plan.

Anger is a very important aspect of child custody disputes. When conflicting parents become engrossed in an adversarial/litigation approach to child custody disputes, each parent may become increasingly debilitated by the mounting stress of the escalating battle. Mounting stress limits creative and effective problem solving through “position hardening," while creative, effective problem solving is exactly what is needed if the priority is sparing the children the harmful effects of fighting.

If you believe a “collaborative” approach is possible but your emotions are getting in the way, try some anger management therapy. Anger management is a well developed intervention aimed at correcting ineffective and inappropriate anger expression patterns and replacing them with more functional communication patterns. Once anger issues are effectively addressed, it might be easier to see how a peaceful, negotiated solution might spare the children and the conflicting parents emotional distress and lead to an outcome probably fairly close to what might be achieved via litigation; costing a lot less money and make the post resolution relationship with your former spouse much more civil, manageable and least disruptive for the children. Children whose parents are divorcing may do quite well if and only if their parents are able to conduct themselves in a civil, cooperative and flexible manner.

If a “collaborative” approach is not possible it is likely the stress of the adversarial process will be greater. Try to use an attorney who can advocate your interests well, though balance advocacy with skill at resolution in the hope of avoiding a litigation. Flexibility and compromise are essential to a negotiated settlement. Many disputes are resolved at this stage with positive results for the children. Anger management may also be of assistance at this stage.

If you believe disputes are likely following a judgment or settlement, you might have more confidence reaching a negotiated settlement that includes the use of a court appointed “Parent Coordinator.” “Parent Coordinators” are skilled, experienced professionals who are able to assist many former spouses resolve disputes civilly. Parent Coordinators should be either a mental health professional (i.e., psychiatrist, psychologist or certified social worker) or an attorney with specific training in Parent Coordination and alternative dispute resolution methods. In some instances “Parent Coordinators” are given the authority to make decisions when former spouses are not able to make a decision. In such instances, the best interests of children are considered by the “Parent Coordinator.” There is more information on this web site regarding “Parent Coordination.”