Effective Co-Parenting
Raymond Havlicek, PhD
Setting Limits Effectively
Children need limits, set for them in a caring appropriate manner. Children may resist limits though they are most often happier, more secure and less anxious when they know what to expect. Setting effective limits before problems develop is a very good idea since problem behavior usually follows poor or conflicting understandings of limits. Additionally, setting limits before problem behaviors develop helps children to realize the limit is not a punishment for a reaction to problem behavior. Once limits are set however, either before or after problem behaviors occur they can prevent behavior problems from escalating. Acquiring techniques to teach and set limits can greatly reduce parental stress, and decrease unnecessary shouting in the home. The most important of all limit setting requirements is effective communication between separated spouses, either through a mediator or directly with one another if possible in order to establish the agreed upon boundaries and consequences when those boundaries are violated. Effective limit-setting can provide structure and comfort to children whose parents are separated as well as together (though they may not express their appreciation to you initially or overtly!).
Steps to Set Limits:
1. Set aside some “serious parent-child time.” Gain your child's attention. You must be in the same room to do this. You should be in close enough proximity to establish initial eye contact.
2. Carefully and slowly describe what it is you would like your child to do or to stop doing. Make sure that you are speaking in a clear tone of voice and that your child fully understands your intent. Limit how long you speak seriously to the child. Remember the longer you talk the less they listen!
3. If your child complies with your stated objective, praise/thank/reward them specifically.
4. If your child does not comply with your stated objective: wait a few moments (some children need this time to comply with requests), state your child's name again, state "this is your only warning" and then repeat your initial command word-for-word, then tell him what the consequence will be if he/she does not comply.
5. If your child complies following their "only warning," praise/thank/reward specifically as in step 3.
6. If your child does not comply following their "only warning," follow through with the stated consequence as immediately as possible. Avoid lengthy explanations or lectures regarding noncompliance. Following the consequence, the child gets a "clean slate."
Things to Avoid:
1. Excessive warnings teach defiance! This is why we inform children that "this is their only warning." With every warning given that we do not follow through with, we teach children not to listen to us.
2. Avoid giving in to children simply because they protest/tantrum excessively. Remember, although excessive protesting can be exhaustive and cause many headaches, if we "give-in" to children at these times we teach them to repeat these protests until they get their way.
3. Make sure that parents (whether separated or together) are supportive of one another. Children learn quickly when one' parent is more permissive than the other, as this can lead to "splitting" behavior. “Splitting” behavior is a common feature of children whose parents are separated or in conflict. Remember, effective co-parenting requires appropriate communication between parents to ensure consistency in goals, limits and consequences.
4. Be as consistent as possible! If children "get away with things" at certain times, they have a reason to try to "get away with things" at all times. Never bluff! If you set a limit, be prepared to follow through with the stated consequence. This is why the stated consequence must be something that you are reasonably prepared to do.
Parent Coordination:
When separated parents are unable to either communicate effectively with one another and/or unable to agree upon goals, limits and consequences the children will suffer. The longer separated parents fail to work effectively to establish appropriate goals, limits and consequences, the more difficult it will be to improve or change the problem behavior. Parent coordinators can be very helpful in evolving and implementing an effective co-parenting plan.
Psychological Consultation:
Parents experiencing difficulties with problem behavior should consult an experienced psychologist for remedies. Often times the recommended intervention leads to significant and quick improvement when implemented consistently.