Is a Good Life Possible after a Bad Childhood?

Many question the extent of personal control over the quality of our lives. This self doubt can be attributed to the current culture which overly emphasizes early childhood and other influences on our development.   This focus on psychosocial predestination has caused many to lose sight of their own potential to reshape their lives. Understanding the possibility for personal redirection and growth is most important because many have discovered that the source of their adult adjustment problems and/or distress is a painful childhood, without knowing that anything can be done to change; the dye has been cast, so to speak. This painful self realization has caused some to believe that a new and better life is not possible.

Signs of our inner power to redirect life toward greater success and fulfillment are evident all around us. Those who have sought and found self improvement via twelve step programs are great examples. These people have experienced tormented childhoods followed by devastating adult experiences with alcohol and drugs.  Yet, despite their emotional pain, they followed a course of abstinence, sobriety and emotional rebirth. Many people have experienced the healing power of religion within the context of personal distress and failure. Successful business people frequently describe how success can follow failure. And many have greatly benefited from effective, psychological therapy.

What are the commonalities of people who have found happiness and fulfillment despite painful childhoods? A common aspect is their realization that childhood experiences helped shape motivations, emotions and behavior.  As such, the experiences per se did not cause their problems, though a change toward negative self appraisal did. Childhood rejection may have led to the painful distortion that rejection was caused by them and that rejection was and is deserved. However, these people come to the understanding that such self rejection is a distortion.   They come to realize that it is the painful emotion self condemnation causes that drives their problem behaviors.  This healing insight is essential because there can be no movement toward adjustment and self fulfillment unless the endless cycle of self-condemnation and guilt is broken. The impact of repeated self-condemnation and guilt that causes damage to our core must stop in order to change.  When that self realization occurs, the healing begins.  Happiness and fulfillment derives from the self-nurturing of our inner self. Our inner self with all its energy, will and capacity, is the only resource available for positive change and growth.

Another common aspect is responsibility. People who have changed their lives were able to take responsibility for their own growth.   Over time, they forgive themselves and others, and move on by realizing their condition is not their fault.  However, they accept that it is their responsibility to change. This acceptance of personal responsibility for change is a common feature of people who have had overwhelming childhood distress and yet were able to move on.

A painful childhood may harm us in many ways.  Undoubtedly, the worst harm is to the "self." Our "self" is the collection of our identity, esteem, confidence, beliefs, values, and dreams all wrapped up in a single package. When the "self" becomes unhealthy, our options for improvement are reduced and our suffering increases. The suffering and distress may be anger directed at the "self," stemming from childhood trauma and/or emotional pain. The painful harm to the "self," these distortions bring is far greater than the pain of the childhood trauma, since the learned self-blame perpetuates into adulthood.  The self-blame may have been an early strategy for limiting childhood parental rejection pain; i.e., "it must be my fault that my good mother does not love me." This "strategy" is poisonous to the "self" and damages its energy, will, and capacity.

Perhaps one of the ways in which religion and therapy may help in the process of self-acceptance and change is by promoting the discovery of love, purpose and responsibility. Within the religious experience, the realization that God loves us may make all the difference to an individual who has never experienced unconditional parental love. Within the context of a sensitive, supportive psychotherapy, a person might discover how a rejecting, selfish, abusive parent, who withheld unconditional love, caused the painful, deeply held belief that "I am not lovable or special." The acceptance of "self" and personal responsibility to change may gradually evolve.  Both religion and therapy can all be highly transformative... A good life can indeed emerge from a bad childhood.

It is very liberating and empowering to realize that some of our most painful self-perceptions stem from the way a parent mistreated us. This realization may be all it takes to inspire a personal journey of self-discovery and enhancement through the responsible management of "self" and life. The journey begins the moment the individual realizes they do not have to continue hating or denigrating themselves.  They begin to understand they are entitled to a better, more satisfying life. Once the realization occurs that, "I was made to feel bad or guilty when in fact I was really OK and deserving of love," the hard work of accepting and implementing personal responsibility for change begins. Good can emerge from suffering.

To quote Scott Peck, "the truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

Let the journey begin…

Raymond Havlicek

Lake Placid, NY