“Super Parents”
Raymond Havlicek
The two new television shows using super nannies to show parents how to solve common dilemmas in childrearing, is a long over due and wonderful contribution to the otherwise mostly vast wasteland that TV has become. In fact, if I was still teaching undergraduate and graduate psychology I would require my students to watch several of the shows and comment. They are that good! In this day and age, we seem to look for the “quick fix,” neglect the importance of family in child rearing and we are particularly inclined to use psychiatric medications in lieu of common sense, effective child rearing strategies.
The new TV parenting shows clearly demonstrate that the overwhelming problems our kids have are traceable to parental management problems. The shows also clearly demonstrate that you do not have to have a PhD in Psychology to do a good job. So just what are the effective parenting practices to keep in mind? Here is my list:
1. Make your child management practices specific to the age, maturation and needs of your child. As an example, very young children should be diverted or redirected from inappropriate behavior rather than given an explanation. When an explanation is appropriate keep it simple. Positive reinforcement works. Remember, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar!
2. Children need unconditional love and attention. When they do not get enough, they may engage in behavior they know you disapprove of in order to get the attention they need through their negative behavior. Yelling and punishment will only make it worse.
3. Never hit your child. While corporal punishment is a fairly prevalent practice, psychological research suggests that it is at best, ineffective or at worst, emotionally harmful. The best evidence that corporal punishment does not work is the fact that parents who use it, use it frequently.
4. Parents should contribute to child care as equitably as possible. Overwhelmed and burdened mothers make less effective, more easily frustrated parents. Uninvolved, critical fathers contribute to stress and family disorganization. Children need and deserve the active and happy involvement of both parents in their lives.
5. Parents should attempt to work out child care, parenting and discipline issues in order to present their children with consistent, effective involvement. Children must learn the boundaries between acceptable and not acceptable through consistent parent feedback.
6. Parents should realize that children need structure, boundaries and realistic expectations. Giving unconditional love, approval and acceptance does not mean being your child’s friend. Children need for their parents to act like their parents. Children need to be held accountable for their behavior in a manner consistent with the child’s age.
7. Engage your child in frequent, mutually enjoyable activities. If you have more than one child, make sure that there is time for special, mutually enjoyable activities with each child and then have other special family activities for all. Eat together as a family. Talk about the events in the child’s life in order to provide support, understanding and guidance. Psychologists have singled out the concept of “mutual delight” as an indicator of future developmental success. Start early.
8. Set realistic expectations for your children’s school attainments. Spend time with your child going over their assignments and projects. Show delight for their achievements and provide effective suggestions for their educational difficulties; though never loose sight of the fact that your child needs and expects to remain special in your eyes no matter what.
9. Assist your child understand peer group pressure, self esteem and the importance of morality. Help your child appreciate the value of positive individual peer relationships as opposed to being accepted by the “popular group.” Children belonging to or attempting to be accepted by the “popular group,” frequently experience considerable emotional distress with respect to being liked by everyone.
10. Help your child to understand how special, lovable and OK he or she is. Realize that your child’s positive regard for himself or herself is his or her best resource for achieving their full measure of personal growth, self actualization and mental health.
11. Explain to your children the dangers of cigarette smoking, drug and alcohol use and peer pressure. If you used drugs earlier in your life, do not tell your child. If you tell your child that you used drugs, even if you say it was wrong, they will probably surmise that you were not negatively impacted and neither will they.
12. Support and encourage your local school board and police department to prevent drug abuse through vigorous enforcement, school based and community based mental health treatment, education and aggressive arrest and prosecution of drug pushers. Support school based efforts to reduce violence through alternative dispute resolution methods.