Children of High Conflict Divorce
Raymond J. Havlicek, PhD, ABPP
One of our Nation’s least recognized though most significant contributors to the distress and impaired development of our children is high conflict divorce. The exposure to unending acrimony children of high conflict divorce endure creates significant emotional distress as does their oft felt belief that a positive association with one parent must mean the rejection of the other. These children become torn between their need and loyalty to each parent while their parents fight for control of the children. The parents’ fight to “own” the children results in increased and costly court battles, which are frequently so distressful that warring parents become even angrier with each other than they were prior to litigation. Positions are “hardened,” parents call each other names and make many false allegations. Negotiations in the context of litigation become counterproductive and ultimately the children may become emotionally distressed, “estranged” or “alienated” from a parent. The legal process itself must be revised as the affront to warring parents’ ability to rationally respond in a manner consistent with the best interests of children may become so impaired that the “due process rights” of the conflicting parties may not be adequately recognized given the extent of their anger and immersion in an ill advised struggle to “win.” Parents can win a legal battle but loose due to its impact upon the health and well being of their children.
Estrangement and alienation, the disruption of parent-child relationships, is well known to have adverse effects on children’s development and adjustment. (Lamb, 1999, Lamb, Hwang, Detterlinus & Fracasso, 1999). Children who are deprived of meaningful relationships with one parent are at a greater risk of developing emotional impairments even when they maintain a relationship with the other parent. Children are more likely to attain their maximum psychological potential when they are able to develop and maintain meaningful relationships with both their parents whether or not they live together. (Kelly & Lamb, 2000). Children’s self-esteem is undermined and fragmented by believing they have one “good” parent and one “bad” parent. The development of the good parent-bad parent view may cause the child to experience themselves as either “perfectly good” like one parent or “completely bad,” like the other parent. These identity conflicts lead to impaired self esteem and poor self confidence.
Children estranged or alienated from a parent frequently have black and white views and feelings towards not only themselves but other children as well. They tend to abruptly cut off or back away from relationships rather than working them out. Allies easily become enemies. Parents should be aware that these children can flip flop between parents in an abrupt reversal during adolescence and early adulthood, making an “unholy alliance” with the currently rejected parent and leaving the currently favored parent out in the cold.
Children alienated from the parent of the opposite sex frequently have increased anxiety. Their confidence in relating to persons of the opposite sex is eroded when they are aligned with the parent of their own sex. A boy in the process of rejecting his mother may reject his need for relationships with females. Girls who are alienated from their fathers can become overly submissive and feel insecure about their femininity. During adolescence, estranged children are at risk for anxiety, depression and self destructive behavior such as sexual acting out and substance abuse.