Help for Children of High Conflict Divorce
Dr. Raymond J. Havlicek
All too frequently, warring separating parents experience high levels of anger and stress while litigating costly court battles to gain “control” of their children and “win.” It should never be about “control” and “winning,” as there are no real winners in custody battles. Attorneys and judges would benefit divorcing parents if they learned more about the psychological dynamics of divorce and attempted to implement those understandings into their work with such individuals. As our adversarial justice system frequently makes matters worse for separating families, I strongly recommend that attorneys, judges and court involved psychologists take continuing education in the psychological dynamics of divorce and attempt to implement those understandings into their work. Additionally, attorneys and judges could reduce stress and enhance the appropriate decision making of litigants by asking court appointed forensic psychologists to draft recommendations regarding “best interests” parenting plans and separated family intervention and treatment.
The first step to avoid “high conflict,” and a custody trial would be for separating parents to redefine their goals. Children must not be regarded as possessions to be controlled. Separating parents would be well advised to regard themselves as the temporary guardians of their children and as such should focus not on “winning,” but rather on how we (my ex-spouse and I) can most appropriately participate with each other and the children to ensure the best possible post separation environment for the children. Separating parents should keep in mind that children need and thrive on continuity, which means a post separation “parenting plan” should as much as possible provide for parent-child involvements, which are as close to what the children were used to prior to the separation. All too frequently a separating parent may seek or demand more contact than was the case while the marriage was together, which may be detrimental to the children and needlessly add to conflict. Additionally, separating parents should never make the mistake of allowing financial conflicts to influence their thinking regarding parenting issues.
If the separating parents are in a pre-trial, pre-agreement stage, parents should consider working with an experienced psychologist who could assist the parties work out a mutually acceptable “parenting plan,” which would describe how custody will be agreed upon, how much time the children will be in the care of each parent, how, when and where transfers between the parents will occur. When separating parents are able to civilly interact with one another and have confidence in the continuation of their civility, joint or shared custody may be agreed to. Joint or shared custody arrangements provide legal responsibility to both parents for decision making, which necessitates the agreement of both parents before a major decision is made. Many professionals working with separating parents recommend that joint or shared custody be avoided when there is high conflict because joint custody may actually lead to an escalation in conflict. Research has shown that joint custody works best when separating parents have a demonstrable track record of civility following their decision to divorce.
Once a “parenting plan” has been agreed upon by the separating parents, they may need assistance in implementing it. One method separating parents may adopt in order to ensure conflict-free implementation of their agreed upon “parenting plan” would be to have their attorneys write into their divorce agreement the provision of a psychologist who would assist in implementation and when necessary act as a “tie breaker” in those instances where the parties can not agree. Psychologists who do this kind of work should be very experienced.
In the event separating parents can not agree to a “parenting plan,” their respective attorneys could ask the court to appoint an experienced “forensic psychologist,” who after a careful assessment of the family should provide “best interests” recommendations to the court. These recommendations should involve a “parenting plan” as well as what kind of post-judgment intervention would be effective in ensuring as little conflict and re-litigation as possible. “Parent Coordination” is an effective intervention and is defined as follows: “Parenting coordination is a child-focused alternative dispute resolution process in which a mental health or legal professional with mediation training and experience assists high conflict parents to implement their parenting plan by facilitating the resolution of their disputes in a timely manner, educating parents about children’s needs, and with prior approval of the parties and/or the court, making decisions within the scope of the court order or appointment contract.”